So we all know I like to just share my thoughts, experiences and feelings on various aspects of life, situations, work, and everything else. I always do it with love and in hopes that what I share will be useful to someone and help them out even in a tiny way.
Of course that doesn’t mean that everything I say is the truth and you should interpret it the way I say. I want you to take the information and add it to your list of social tools you have handy. Anyways this chapter is about emotions and changes and how our bodies feel, how we react to certain things, why, and what we can do about it.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while and my reasons why was because I wanted to learn better how to handle my emotions, how to better control them and react to situations rationally when your emotions of rage and fear are screaming to come out! I wanted to know how to put emotions aside to have those hard talks with friends, family, and partners. I wanted to understand my feelings, why I felt them and how I can come to terms with them and understand them the best so they don’t keep pull at me. This is what I learnt!
Think of this like a triangle, at one point you have “Thoughts”, another is “feelings” and the third is “action”.
Now we have all gone down a spiral of feelings and thoughts and reactions and it keeps lopping and getting worse and we struggle to come out! Well lets go to this Triangle to help figure out why we do that.
Example Situation: Someone has told me I am a bad worker with no skills and got my job through friendship.
First thing that will happen is Thoughts: am I a bad worker? I must be, they said I am.
Second is Feelings: I start to feel sad, doubtful of myself and low.
Third I will have a action: I loss the motivation to work well, or I see no reason to go to work. Which results in me making mistakes at work.
Due to those mistakes I start to think, wow I really am shit at my work and I then start to feel even worse, more sad, disappointed in myself which leads to more mistakes or days off work and I withdraw.
The loop and spiral has now started and it slowly gets worse. How the hell am I meant to get out of this? Its not easy. I’ve had to do it so many times and I’m still not perfect at it but it still helps.
What started ALL of this? Lets back track, I ACTION: made mistakes at work, because I FELT sad, because I THOUGHT I was bad at my job because of someone’s comment. The loop goes both ways. Okay, now we know the cause of it, but what can you do? Let me ask you something first. Who do you talk to the most? Your partner? Sister/Brother? Friends? Family? Well what about you? You talk to yourself the most! Every day every night.
We are always so harsh on ourselves and might not realise it. If you wrote down every time you had a negative thought about yourself over a week then read it back, I have no doubt you would cry or feel so sad and depressed at such horrible thoughts that NO ONE else is thinking about you!
So what do we do? Do you believe this one person? of course not. You know your own skills and if you are a good worker. Otherwise the work wouldn’t keep you around, right? What do your friends think? The people who actually mean something to you? Your family? sometimes we need the encouragement that we are doing a good job. Its okay to seek that!
We analyse what was said. Do we have any reason to believe this person? Are they saying it maybe because they are actually bad and they are projecting on you? That’s not your problem. Honestly if someone told me I was shit at work I would be so stubborn about it that I would go out of my way to prove them wrong and rub it in their face cause I’m a horribly spiteful person hah. Which I don’t recommend doing and is not the purpose of this page.
Another example – Your partner cheated on you. So this is an Action that has happened in the triangle first, that leads to thoughts about distrust, what a wanker, why did he cheat, am I not attractive, now we feel angry and sad and spiteful which leads us to key his car and throw his clothes in the bin OR you go out, get wasted and regret hooking up with that guy at the bar last night as you try sneak out of his apartment.
Second tool. Don’t ignore the feelings, constantly getting drunk or using revenge as a way to get over it. Accept your emotions and allow yourself time to feel them and express them in a safe environment in a safe way that wont harm others or yourself. I mean the cheating part is an extreme but doesn’t mean this wont work for such a situation. Pushing them aside and ignoring them, verses putting them on hold to complete work for the day are two different things. Just make sure to take the pause of those feelings so you can be with them and accept them. It makes it Sooo much easier to move on by doing so. Emotions get worse and bigger if we hold onto them and bottle them up or push them aside to ignore them.
Anyways this is a far longer post than normal. Just remember you are perfect and love yourself. Its hard I know. I don’t do it well but I am learning to accept it and get better. If you need help, if you are struggling, talk to a friend or family. Someone safe that wont judge you or go seek a professional to help you better understand why you feel how you feel.
Take care look after yourself!
Lots of Love
Photo by: Jenny Wu Photography